Kicking Back

I've received a few comments from readers of my blogs asking me if I have stopped writing them. No, I haven't. But for the foreseeable future they will appear infrequently.

Working with my publisher, I am putting all of my novels into print. This is a time intensive project that requires the e-books be reformatted, a galley copy printed, then I have to carefully proofread this copy to be sure that it is free of mistakes. Along with this, I need to design front and back covers that are printable. This entire procedure is much more complex that preparing an ebook for publication.

Of course I still have my community responsibilities; I am a member of the boards of two county agencies and my wife and I deliver Meals on Wheels once a week. Also there is grass to mow, routine maintenance and emergency repairs to house and out buildings, shopping/errands, and the occasional doctor visits. Now and again I have to sleep and eat—I have no time to relax with a beer. Somethings must be sacrificed for the sake of art. At least I am not bored, only tired.

So faithful readers please bear with me. I'll still stick a blog in here and there. Please keep your comments and suggestions coming. By the way, the only drawback I can see with the Google Blogspot is the process that a reader has to follow to reply on the blog site itself. Please email me or comment on Facebook. I read my email every day and respond immediately when possible; I do not regularly look at Facebook. So if your comment is important, email is the best way to let me know.

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Pillow Talk

I am not a certified sex therapist, but I did a fair amount of sex counseling as a part of my private practice and I have a thick file of questions from my Human Sexuality students indicative of the problems that many couples have experiencing sexual pleasure. At the root of these problems is the lack of pillow talk.

We are bombarded by sexual imagery, most of which portrays the ideal—tantalizing bodies, attractive (provocative) clothing, scents to arouse sexual desire. There are countless nostrums and 'toys' readily available OTC that purport to enhance sexual pleasure when all that is really necessary comes built in to our bodies.

For reviews of my books, visit my website, http://www.bfoswaldauthor.com. Thank you

The brain is the primary sex organ. Ideas and imagery originate there, as do the necessary sexual reflexes; our natural body scent is recognized and interpreted by the olfactory-cerebral connection¹, sexual responses are designed and perfected by the brain, sexual pleasure and orgasm are experienced therein, as is the ability to discuss these experiences. Unfortunately expectations, misconceptions, misunderstandings, performance anxiety, and sexual frustration are equally in lodging and act as barriers to sexual pleasure. Far too often these are considered private (embarrassing) issues and couples do not share them with each other. How can he or she know what gives pleasure or causes pain if they won't discuss it? Honesty is one of the foundation stones of a healthy relationship but unfortunately it is often lacking when it involves intimacy. Misunderstanding untreated begins a continuum—frustration to anger to loss of interest. Both partners lose valuable moments that bond as a result.

Although many parents are more open to general questions about sex from their children, and answer them with a modicum of comfort, they stress that sex is an adult thing, preferable only within marriage. Few go one to discuss the need for openness in intimacy—how to talk to your partner about what you like and don't like, what feels good and what doesn't, the nuances of sexual response—how to give and receive sexual pleasure. These are blanks they believe their children will fill in for themselves with experience. Unfortunately they often don't.

¹See my next blog, The Scent of Sensuousness.

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Adult Sex—Barriers in the Bedroom

A great deal of media and social attention is given to adult sexual behavior. The more common forms are innuendos and jokes expressed through a lexicon replete with numerous euphemisms for coitus and genitalia. The epithet dirty is all too often applied to this category of expression. Even though there is a much greater public exposure of and attention paid to matters sexual, adult sexuality as well as sex in general is tainted with this Victorian stigma.

Mental health experts have posited that the reason we joke about sex so frequently and in such a pejorative manner is because we are uncomfortable at best, afraid at worst, of our sexuality. Not one of the three generations of our citizens since The McHugh Report: What Americans Need to Learn About Sex¹ was published, has developed a national straightforward, comprehensive, honest sex curriculum for its children. For far too many, sex knowledge is a combination of street talk, misinformation under the guise of programs such as Abstinence education, and only a smattering of reliable information. As the twig is bent so is the tree inclined—as adults we carry this mix of bullshit and reliable information into our bedrooms where in far too many instances it hinders more than helps partners enjoy each other sexually. 

For reviews of my books, visit my website, http://www.bfoswaldauthor.com. Thank you.

Far to frequently, the media representations of adult coupling are idealized. What we are shown are very attractive partners lusting for sex, orgasmic, and sublimely satisfied afterwards. The barriers to this happening in real life are too numerous to list in this blog, (but will be addressed in my next blog). As was so often stated by couples I was counseling, infrequently is one partner in the same place emotionally and physically at the same time as the other; nor does each partner have the same awareness of the nuances of sexual arousal, erogenous zones, or is in tune to the other's sexual response. Women and men frequently fake orgasm because they believe that mutual orgasm should be the end result of perfect coupling and it needn’t be. Too often the effort to achieve a mutual climax is a real barrier to success.

What we need, and what we will not achieve as long as wealthy sexual conservatives use their political influence to prevent it, is a comprehensive, legitimate sex education program for all of our children K through 12; this should be second only to comprehensive, legitimate sex education by parents, which is by far more desirable.  If our children entered adulthood with a healthy knowledge of and attitude about their sexuality and the nuances of sexual coupling, a lot about sex that provokes so much media attention would be lost. The popularity of talk shows specializing in scandalous sexual liaisons, of sitcoms rife with sexual innuendo, of pornography would become passé. Of even greater importance, cultures that teach their children about sex openly and honestly have much lower rates of child sexual abuse and rape compared to those of sexually schizophrenic cultures such as ours. 

¹For a brief but comprehensive report about adult discomfort with sex and the problem this creates for intimacy see: Dr. Gelolo McHugh with J. Robert Moskin, “The McHugh Report: What Americans Need to Learn About Sex,” Collier’s, November 9, 1954, 36–40, http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/6448/. I find it disturbing that our attitudes about adult sex have changed so little since this response to the Kinsey reports was published almost three generations ago.

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A Father's Prayer

I stand apart

     as a father must

         at times like these

and watch my youngest

      take her first, brave steps

         into the uncertain world of adulthood

            

Free at last from the bonds

     that both supported and restrained her    

            (albeit of family and friends)

she sails like a kite

      set free upon the wind

            tether broken of necessity

             

 I wish for her the steady winds

            of optimism and of hope

the guiding drafts of courage

            and of purpose set                 

the soft airs

            of loves remembered and yet to be found

                          

And when adversity assails

            I wish her sturdy craft

                        the strength to weather gales

and though tempest tossed

            safe passage un-battered through life's storms

                         

From her lofty view the world is hers

            (what experience lacks

                        enthusiasm more than takes the strain)

She is free to go

            to take direction from the wind                     

And so she must

            for no one else can set her course

                        or guide her on her way.

I stand apart

            as a father must at times like these                

and watch with pride and faith

            as she, who crafted by my hand

                        (though yet unfinished)

sails free upon the winds of life

             with my promise of support and love